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Mr. BuSy and the Blah, Blah, Blah

29 Aug

I was talking to my sister last night.  I called her for advice… She’s probably the only person on the planet that knows me… really gets me.  I called her because I needed a dose of reality.  We discussed many things, identified some fun things to blog about…. and we talked about my Saturday night date, who I will call, Mr. BuSy.  Mr. BuSy originally contacted me about a month ago.  We emailed for about a week, while he was traveling for business and then ended the week with a really great phone call.  He finished the conversation with ‘let’s try to set something up for next weekend’.  I never heard from him again… Until Friday.

Friday night I was fiddling on my computer when I get an email from Mr. BuSy.  ‘I’ve had a busy month, I was dealing with some health issues’… blah blah blah.  Of course, it’s all quite possible and I suppose it’s equally possible that he had broken all his fingers and had his vocal cords snipped.  Let’s face it, if he was truly interested, he would’ve contacted me to let me know.  However, since he did apologize, I made the decision to give Mr. BuSy the benefit of the doubt, and agreed to a phone call, which then lead to our date on Saturday night.

The date was pretty wonderful… Dinner lasted 4+hours.  There was definitely chemistry which he confirmed with words and actions–  ‘This was probably my best first date ever’, ‘There’s definitely going to be a second date’… blah blah blah.  I was attracted to Mr. BuSy on so many levels and it seemed he felt similarly. (YES, I broke dating rule #1… Don’t let your emotions get involved too soon).

So after a lovely kiss goodnight, I went home floating on cloud nine and feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time.  As the hours passed, I looked back fondly on our date.  Of course,  all the positives were being highlighted in my mind.  As the days passed, however, I started feeling confused.  By last night I was feeling downright depressed.  I didn’t call or text, because I’m old school and believe if a guy is really interested, he’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.  Maybe he was too busy?  Maybe he had more health issues that prevented him from sending a quick text? blah, blah, blah.   The truth is, if he was able to log into Match last night, then he was more than able to contact me… YES… I LOOKED!

So I called my sister, nearly in tears, to get some insight.  She had to agree– if he was truly interested, he would’ve made the effort to be in touch by now.  At first, I tried to rationalize his behavior… He’s probably just really busy at work.  Maybe he had family issues that needed his attention?  blah blah blah… Ugh… the mind is a scary thing when it tries to drown out the voice of reason.

My sister has this great way of asking question so that you’ll arrive at the truth on your own (a true gift).  What was my truth?  He’s just not into me… enough. I know myself and I know I need more than the bare minimum to be happy.  So what if Mr. BuSy sticks to his pattern and contacts me a month from now… I hope to say (thanks dear sis!)… “I haven’t heard from you in a month and have since moved on… I’m sorry, but I am no longer available”.  That might actually be a true statement… Remember Bachelor #2?  He called again last night and we have a third date set for next week 😉

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A Week Gone by in a Flash…

20 Aug

So I woke up last Sunday to a lovely email from a gentleman from Match.  I had checked out his profile the night before and was thinking about emailing, but he beat me to it.  I emailed back and that was the start of a whirlwind week.

We spoke on the phone on Sunday afternoon… He seemed like a very nice guy.  We had a great conversation.  He was intelligent, witty, sweet… I learned he had a stable career and was a very involved dad.  He had a lot going for him  We agreed to meet the next evening for dinner.  This was the quickest I have ever moved through ‘the process’.  I guess I’m getting to the point now, that I don’t want to waste hours on emails and phone calls, only to meet and realize there’s no chemistry at all.

Monday comes and we meet at a casual restaurant for dinner.  He is extremely warm in person… a big hug… touches my hand over appetizers… says all the right things.  When we leave the restaurant and decide to go for coffee, he leans in for a kiss.  A very pleasant kiss.  He says he’s been wanting to do that since I walked into the restaurant. Another big hug and we’re off for coffee.  He asks me out on two more dates… Friday and Saturday night.  Okay, I think to myself,  this guy is really interested!  He made me feel… good… attractive, desirable… sexy.  It was ‘almost’ too good to be true.

I wasn’t even home yet when I got his first text… ‘I miss you already’.  Sighs… writing this now, I realize just how ridiculous this all sounds.  I totally ignored the ‘too much, too soon’ warning bells going off in my head.  I always wanted to be ‘swept off my feet’.  I saw the broom coming and leaped right in its path.  The week proceeded at a breakneck speed… more texts, phone calls, and requests for dinner dates.  I had plans most of the week so had to politely decline, but changed my plans on Thursday so I could go out to dinner with Mr. Flash.

Another great date. Mr. Flash was charming, generous and totally attentive.  The chemistry was still there and even kicked up a few notches.  I was really looking forward to the weekend.  Then Friday rolls around… I notice that there’s not as many phone calls or texts.  But hey, I chalk it up to a busy day at work.  We meet and head out to a concert.  It’s at this point I start to sense something is ‘off’.  He seems preoccupied.  He puts the radio on, in what seems like an attempt, to avoid conversation.  There are no compliments tonight.  He’s still a bit touchy feely, but even that seems to be on the decline.  After a kiss goodnight… I get a ‘see you tomorrow’ and Mr. Flash is gone.

The texts are now getting few and far between. No phone calls at all on Saturday.  I wonder if we’re still going out.  I finally text in the afternoon and ask.  I word it in a way to allow him to get out of the date easily.  I was rather surprised that he responded with an ‘of course we’re going out’.  Okay, now I think to myself, I’m misreading him.  I’m being too… too… too something.  I decide to go with an open mind and fully intend to have some fun.

When we meet, there is no hello kiss, no hug.  He barely talks to me… instead opts for talk radio.  Actually, he barely looks at me.  There is very little hand holding.  I try my hardest to keep the conversation going, only to be faced with one word muttered responses.  The game sucks, the conversation sucks… the date… sucks.  I can’t wait to get home.  But I’m starving at this point, so when he suggests we stop for something to eat, I open my mouth and say ‘yes’ before even thinking.  UGH.  Dinner was… painful.  Thankfully we were seated near a bar so I could watch TV, because Mr. Flash spent most of dinner playing with his phone.  Yes… You read that right… playing with his phone over dinner.  By this time, I’m utterly disgusted and want to go home.  At my car, there’s a peck good night and he mumbled something like ‘talk to you tomorrow’.

I cried all the way home.  Not because Mr. Flash turned out to be Mr. Flop, but because of my own stupidity.  I’m still wondering how someone can go from 0 to 90, back to 0 in under a week.  Here’s the texts I got today:

Him:  🙂

Me: No response

Him: Hey

Me: 🙂

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Laundry

Him: Awwww

That’s it folks.  That’s all she wrote.  Mr. Flash has now officially become… Mr. Flash in the Pan.  And me?  On one hand, I’m feeling pretty embarrassed, confused and stupid.  On the other hand, I’m proud of myself.  I put myself out there… I allowed myself to be vulnerable… I’m not sure if I was taken advantage of, or, just met someone that doesn’t really know what he wants.   In any case, I’m going to pick myself up, dust myself off and hope that the next broom that comes by is being pushed by someone with a bit more integrity.

Just When I Thought…

11 Aug

I had successfully dealt with my real life baggage… there’s a new strain of baggage in town… virtual baggage.  Virtual baggage is a by-product of the online dating world.  It’s the issues one develops at the hands of less than savory online daters.  You need really thick skin (think armor) and a strong constitution to deal with the rejection, rudeness and emotional manipulation that online ‘gentleman’ dish out daily.  Of course, I’d be the first to tell you that online dating should be ‘fun’… look at it as an adventure… these men can’t hurt you because they really don’t know you… blah blah blah.  The truth is, the rational side of me knows all that, but the less than rational side falls victim to ‘it’ every time.

I think I’ve fallen victim to virtual baggage. Lately,  I find myself expecting the worst out of the gentleman I communicate with.  The new guys are paying the price for the bad behaviored counterparts that came before them.  Totally unfair… totally out of character for me.  I am usually the one that can find a silver lining in any dark cloud.  I always think the best of everyone… even when they fail misearably, I try to understand the ‘why?’.  Not so much anymore… at least where online dating is concerned.  I’m becoming… gasp… jaded, and I don’t like it… at all.

I have come to equate online dating with buying a new pair of shoes.  You’re attracted to the sexiness of the shoe.  You ask the sales associate for your size and bite your lip and pace around the store hoping that there is a pair available in your size.  When you see the box in his hand, you can’t help but break out into a smile.  You’ve made it successfully to the next step.

Your fingers almost shake as you peel back the top of the box.  You’re breathless as you peek at your beloved shoes through the tissue paper.  You slide them on your feet… oh the bliss… they look fabulous!  Your feet look two sizes smaller and the heel height makes you stand straighter… your boobs bigger and your ass… perfection.  You decide the shoes are magical and will change your life.  So you stand up… You’re confident.  No way in hell your magical shoes will let you down.  You take those first tentative steps, wobble a little and then you’re suddenly striding across the floor.  It’s too good to be true!  You quickly take them off and pack them in their tissue paper home and march up to the cashier and state boldly, “I’ll take these”.

You bring your magic shoes home and give them prime real estate in your closet.  You can’t wait to have the opportunity to wear them.  In fact, you create an opportunity to wear them.  You get all dolled up, nervous for your first date with your magical shoes.  You’re convinced you’ve found your sole mate 😉 and this is true love.  And then… reality sets in… Your toes start feeling a little cramped.  Your calf muscles start protesting.  The burning starts and you’re starting to think these shoes aren’t quite as magical as you first thought.  By the time you get home, your feet are on fire and you can’t wait to pull the damn things off.  You literally throw them back in their box and toss them on a shelf that you’ll never reach without a step ladder.  Every time you enter your closet, you’ll feel the sting of embarrassment as you remember how you overpaid, fell in love a little too quickly and walked far too long in pain… all this for the opportunity to be burned.  Yep… online dating is a lot like the search for the perfect shoes.

Aside

Mr. Charming… Meet Doug…

4 Aug

So I just got home from my date.  Let me say this… Mr. Charming, was indeed charming.  Super nice guy… smart, funny… we had great conversation.  I think he has the potential of being a great friend…. not sure the ‘chemistry’ was there.    I think we’re just at different stages in our lives… maybe the 9 year difference is just too much for us.  He seemed unsure of himself.  I think I’m looking for a take charge kind of guy.  In any case, we shared a lovely dinner, hugged good bye and said we’d talk again soon.  Honestly, one of my better first dates 🙂 even without the chemistry or kiss goodnight… Does that say anything?  Anyway, I finally figured out who Mr. Charming reminds me of… Doug.  Mind you, this is a high compliment as Doug is one of my all time favorite cartoons.

Maybe it’s time to leave the roller coaster behind for a while?  Take some time to focus on myself.  I’ve been really toying with the  idea of joining a gym.  While I embrace my curves, I’m not sure the male population is quite ready to do the same.  I have found the online dating pool for the plus size 40 something woman is more of… well… a puddle.  Pickings are slim folks!   No matter which way you dice it or slice it… being overweight is a handicap in the dating world, online or otherwise.   There’s a part of me that wants to work towards thiness in hopes of leveling the playing field a bit more, and then there’s that other side.  The other side yearns for  someone that finds beauty in my curves and can see me and love me for who I am… right now.

On a much, much, lighter note, I have noticed a pattern with the men I date.  The last 4 out of 5 gentlemen I’ve gone out with have all driven pick-up trucks.  What’s up with that?   Not that I have anything against pick-up trucks or the men/women that drive them, but it is a weird coincidence, no?   Is there some sort of personality trait that is attracted to a flat bed?

Bye… Bye… Mr. Maybe…

3 Aug

A few years ago, I went to Great Adventure with my daughter, and my boyfriend at the time.  We stood for a half hour to go on El Toro… a wickedly scary wooden roller coaster.  I remember my heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty… the adrenaline rush as the attendant locked me in (good lord… it was a tight fit for a full figured gal).  As the roller coaster car made it’s climb up… up… up… my stomach began to knot and I wanted to jump off, as if that was better than swooping down the hill.  As we crested the top… my breath caught… life seemed to be suspended for just a moment… no sound… and then… the screaming started.  Eyes closed, clutching my daughter’s arm and screaming, “Never again!  Never again!”.   I was off balance when I got off that ride… and not sure I would ever get back on.  My dating life pretty much runs the same way… ups and downs… spinning in circles only to end up exactly where I started.

Case in point–Mr. Maybe… we’ve been going in circles for weeks now and yet have not made it out on a second date.  That book/movie keeps coming to mind… ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’… let’s face it, if he really was into me, I’d be getting more than texts with empty promises of  ‘let’s go out’.  I’m done with this roller coaster.  So, since we don’t talk on the phone, tonight I texted my good wishes and good bye.  I feel a little disappointed, but I know it wasn’t going to go anywhere.  So goodbye Mr. Maybe… I wish you all the best in your quest for ‘love’.

Enter Mr.Charming. Let me just say it.  I like Mr. Charming.  Mr. Charming writes beautiful emails, texts and calls me on the phone.  While I’m not a big phone person myself, I really look forward to him calling.  We have plans to go out tomorrow night.  While I’m excited about meeting him in person, I am also scared.  I’d hate to lose the friendship we’ve only just begun.  It’s really not often that you find someone that has the same interests, same taste in music, same values, makes you laugh… makes you think… and makes you blush.  What if the ‘magic’ just isn’t there in person? Arggg… I feel like I’m waiting in line for another roller coaster ride.  Tomorrow I’ll be slowly climbing the mountain and at 7pm tomorrow evening… I’ll be roaring down the hill into the unknown…

Ladybugs… Lots and Lots of Ladybugs…

29 Jul

The day my ex walked out, marked a very dark period in my life.  In spite of knowing there was something very wrong in our marriage, I chose to live in denial and even fooled myself into being shocked when he broke the news.  I told him to get out that night and as the door was closing behind him, I was reaching for the phone… my lifeline to my sister.  I was sobbing so hard, you know, the kind that prevents you from catching your breath.  It took her a while to piece together what I was saying, but when she did… she started screaming,  ‘You’re free!  You’re free!’.  I remember her telling me this was the best thing that could’ve happened to me.  All I can remember thinking was how I was going to raise a young daughter on my own, pay a mortgage with no job and that I was going to die alone.

Mere days later, a package arrived in the mail.  I tore it open to find a dvd.  It was the movie, ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’ (okay no eye rolling).  I put the dvd aside because I was too busy wallowing in the grief of losing my best friend.  I walked around many months like that… totally numb, wondering how I got from one place to another.  I honestly think the only thing that kept me going was the need to take care of my daughter.  My sister would call to check up on me frequently and she always asked, ‘What did you think of the movie?’  I’d look at the dvd sitting on the counter (because who had the energy to clean or put anything away… let’s face it folks, I was on the precipice of becoming a full blown hoarder).  I’d mumble, ‘not yet, but it’s on my list’.

Many months later, late one Friday night, after one too many glasses of wine, I opened that dvd and sat down to watch it.  I know this is going to sound utterly ridiculous, but that movie changed my life.  113 minutes in Tuscany did what hours of therapy couldn’t do… It gave me back hope.  The movie is about a writer who is in a seemingly happy marriage and finds out her husband is cheating on her.  She ends up getting divorced and goes into a depression which her friends try to get her out of by sending her on a trip to Tuscany.  When she gets there, she realizes there is nothing left back at home and decides to stay.  I won’t give too much away, but honestly, this movie should be required viewing for the newly separated, divorced or victim of a break-up.

One of my favorite lines in the movie (the book was excellent too!)  comes from Katherine, who is a friend of the main character, Frances:

“When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. I’d get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find the ladybugs walking all over me.”

What does it mean?  Well in my mind it was telling me I had to just let go and let hope and faith take over.  The movie reminded me that my life wasn’t over, it was just the beginning… Sometimes the best comes later in life.  From that moment on, ladybugs became my beacon of hope.  Hell, if I ever get brave enough to get a tattoo… there’s no doubt it’s going to be a ladybug 🙂  Now… to sit back and wait for the ladybugs to find me (psst… I’m giving them a headstart by renewing my online dating membership :))