Does the Holy Grail Really Exist?

31 Jul

I suppose we’re all searching for our own list of holy grails in life… especially when it comes to fashion.  Me?  I’ve been on a 40 year quest for the perfect pair of jeans.  I have tried almost every plus sized jean on the market only to come up empty handed.  Oh sure, there have been some that have come close… but nothing has ever checked all the boxes on my list.  My figure can not be squeezed into the typical categories like hour glass, apple or pear.  I’m more of a… block 🙂

If I look for jeans to fit my waist, they are usually bagging off my ass and most likely will be tight on my ‘shapely’ thighs. Luckily I’ve never had to suffer with the gapping waist dilemma… as I don’t have a waist 🙂  The upside of that is I did escape the whole ‘mom’ jean trend as I can not wear jeans that are high waisted… for me it’s like having a tourniquet around my waist, which might work if I stood up 24/7, but, for God’s sakes,  don’t dare try to sit down… Ouch!  I don’t think there’s anything more sexy than a new boyfriend peeling off you jeans for the first time only to find a bevy of angry red lines and indentations ringing your stomach like Saturn.

Some jeans that have come close for me include… Diane Gilman Jeans from HSN, a discontinued style of Denim Lite Jeans from The Avenue. and a 15 year old pair of jeans from Lane Bryant that had a lower rise and no set-in waistband… I still have those jeans even though the inner thighs are practically threadbare.

One sleepless night I was flipping through channels and fooled into thinking I had finally found the holy grail of jeans.  Enter the Pajama Jean.  Could this modern marvel of fashion foolery be the answer?  It took a lot of control not to pick up the phone at 2am to order myself a pair, but I resisted the temptation.  There was something not quite right in the look of the Pajama Jean… yes… you could bend, sit… even sleep in these jeans, but the problem was, they didn’t actually look like jeans… they looked like… well pajamas.  Sighs.. so close and yet so far.  The search continued… endless trying on in stores.  Endless online and catalog orders… the return shipping fees were driving me to the poor house.

Through it all, I couldn’t let go of the idea of the pajama jeans.  It was a good idea… a knit jean. With shaking fingers I tried a new google search… knit jeans… I don’t know why I hadn’t tried that before.  I pressed enter and waited with baited breath.   There it was… LL Bean Knit Jeans.  Bingo!  They looked like real jeans and had a 4.5 star rating (193 reviews… even Oprah said she liked them!).  Since I have an LL Bean credit card, I get free shipping and returns, so I had nothing to lose, plus I had a bunch of reward coupons ready to expire… the denim gods were speaking to me.

It took me a few orders to find the right size (definitely order down a size).  I opted for the bootcut style as they sit lower on the waist and are cut a bit slimmer through the hips and thigh.  They are a little pricey, but when I slipped them on and took them for a test run, I realized you really can’t put a price on comfort and fit.  They hugged my curves without making me look… lumpy.  I could sit, bend, squat without gasping… and it appears the rings of Saturn have been banished to another galaxy.  Because it’s been so darn hot here, I haven’t challenged them to a full day of wear yet… but I am ever hopeful the holy grail is within my grasp.


Ladybugs… Lots and Lots of Ladybugs…

29 Jul

The day my ex walked out, marked a very dark period in my life.  In spite of knowing there was something very wrong in our marriage, I chose to live in denial and even fooled myself into being shocked when he broke the news.  I told him to get out that night and as the door was closing behind him, I was reaching for the phone… my lifeline to my sister.  I was sobbing so hard, you know, the kind that prevents you from catching your breath.  It took her a while to piece together what I was saying, but when she did… she started screaming,  ‘You’re free!  You’re free!’.  I remember her telling me this was the best thing that could’ve happened to me.  All I can remember thinking was how I was going to raise a young daughter on my own, pay a mortgage with no job and that I was going to die alone.

Mere days later, a package arrived in the mail.  I tore it open to find a dvd.  It was the movie, ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’ (okay no eye rolling).  I put the dvd aside because I was too busy wallowing in the grief of losing my best friend.  I walked around many months like that… totally numb, wondering how I got from one place to another.  I honestly think the only thing that kept me going was the need to take care of my daughter.  My sister would call to check up on me frequently and she always asked, ‘What did you think of the movie?’  I’d look at the dvd sitting on the counter (because who had the energy to clean or put anything away… let’s face it folks, I was on the precipice of becoming a full blown hoarder).  I’d mumble, ‘not yet, but it’s on my list’.

Many months later, late one Friday night, after one too many glasses of wine, I opened that dvd and sat down to watch it.  I know this is going to sound utterly ridiculous, but that movie changed my life.  113 minutes in Tuscany did what hours of therapy couldn’t do… It gave me back hope.  The movie is about a writer who is in a seemingly happy marriage and finds out her husband is cheating on her.  She ends up getting divorced and goes into a depression which her friends try to get her out of by sending her on a trip to Tuscany.  When she gets there, she realizes there is nothing left back at home and decides to stay.  I won’t give too much away, but honestly, this movie should be required viewing for the newly separated, divorced or victim of a break-up.

One of my favorite lines in the movie (the book was excellent too!)  comes from Katherine, who is a friend of the main character, Frances:

“When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. I’d get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find the ladybugs walking all over me.”

What does it mean?  Well in my mind it was telling me I had to just let go and let hope and faith take over.  The movie reminded me that my life wasn’t over, it was just the beginning… Sometimes the best comes later in life.  From that moment on, ladybugs became my beacon of hope.  Hell, if I ever get brave enough to get a tattoo… there’s no doubt it’s going to be a ladybug 🙂  Now… to sit back and wait for the ladybugs to find me (psst… I’m giving them a headstart by renewing my online dating membership :))

Um… Hello? Really?

28 Jul

So guess who texts this morning… Mr. Maybe.  And no, before you even wonder, I did not contact him.  I got a sarcastic one liner through my Match mail… LOL was he using Match mail again in an attempt to send some sort of message?  Afterall, we have been texting (ad nauseum) and sending emails through regular email for (what seems like) weeks.  I think his goal was to try to make me feel like a jerk because I didn’t tell him to ‘get well soon’.  He says he was in the hospital Thursday night for dehydration… I suppose it was possible and was ready to send an apology when he said that he had hosted a party last night.  LOL… come on… really?  You’re on your death bed one minute and the next you’ve had some sort of divine intervention and are able to host a shindig at your home?

In the end, I did send an email and said that I do hope he’s feeling better.  I also wished him well and said that I wanted more than he could (or rather chose to give me).  I want flowers, phone calls, actual dates and someone that has the balls to make a decision and follow through.  I am not just looking for sex.. dammit.. I want a real, grown-up relationship.  I don’t think I could have been any clearer.

Evidently my email fell on deaf ears because minutes later my phone starts buzzing with his text messages.  When he said ‘Can I disregard your email now?’ I texted back… That would depend on you.  Umm… Hello?  Really?  Sometimes I think men are entirely a different species.

If that wasn’t enough… Mr. Friday Night (from last week) finally responds to my email  saying he’s sorry he didn’t get back to me sooner but he had a busy week (no worries there). He just wanted to say that he really did enjoy our phone conversation last week (okay… good). Umm… Hello? Really?  Do you also remember saying that we would make plans to go out THIS weekend?  No word about calling again or meeting… sighs…I just don’t get it.  Why bother with the email if you have no intention of moving it forward… maybe he’s just being polite?  I don’t know… I’ m beginning to think it’s me.  Is it?

The Double Standard of Double Chins…

27 Jul

So in the aftermath of being virtually stood up, I escaped to my kindle for comfort.  I am in the process of reading ‘Gone Girl’… which I’m really enjoying, but, I was reading another blog where someone mentioned a play called ‘Fat Pig’ by Neil LaBute.  I love a story where the less than perfect heroine (whether it’s extra pounds, an unsightly scar or just less lucky in the looks department, a la Jane Eyre) gets the unattainable man.  So I read reviews about Neil LaBute’s play.. but I guess I didn’t read enough.  I quickly one clicked my purchase on Amazon and began to read.  Let me say play formats are not my most favorite reads, but hey, I’d suffer through just about anything for a happy ending 🙂  Alas… I didn’t quite get my happy ending.

The story is basically about a chance meeting between a successful, handsome business man and a plus sized librarian he meets at lunch one day.  He falls in love… she falls in love… and well… his friends (and ex-girlfriend) don’t fall in love with the fact she’s a full figure lady.  I found myself cringing through a lot of this play… simply because it brought to light the challenges of being a plus size WOMAN in today’s world; and truth be told, the writer’s words hit very close to home.  I won’t spoil the ending, but needless to say, I had a bunch of kleenex clutched in my hand.   I emphasize the plight of the plus size woman, because I really don’t believe men necessarily feel the prick of weight discrimination the way women do.   There’s definitely a double standard in the world of double chins.

Just look at the online dating world.  I can’t tell you how many profiles I come across where the man is robust (think fat) but claim they are ‘average’ or carrying a ‘few extra pounds’. And yet… they are looking for a kind, honest lady who is  ‘slim’ and ‘atheletic and toned’.  Hey, I get that you can’t help what you’re attracted too, but be honest with yourself (and the rest of the world) as to where you lie on the  body fat spectrum.  What do you think?  Is there a double standard when it comes to double chins?

On a brighter note… I finally found a pair of shoes for the wedding I have next week.  I’m really out of practice walking in heels and as I need a wide width, it’s very difficult to find a shoe that doesn’t make me feel like an elephant balancing on stilts 😉  Aside from the fact… after my dress purchase, my budget was extremely tight.  I ended up with a pair of black patent peep toe platform sling backs…for under… get this… $20!  They were deeply discounted at The Avenue and with a coupon and shipping, I got them home for $23!  The dress is by Adrianna Papell and was $188 dollars at Nordstrom.  I scored mine (new with tag) on Ebay for $67 shipped.  I worry since the wedding is a work crowd that the cleavage will be a bit much, but my daughter says no.  I tried on the size 20 in the store which was a little big and the 18 was a little small.  I ended up getting the 18 and with my new eating plan 😉 it fits perfectly everywhere… just a tiny bit snug on the boobs, hence the abundance of cleavage 🙂  What do you think (and geez.. the photo is not of me):

I Have Something to Get Off My Chest…

26 Jul

I’m a curvy girl so buckle your seatbelts!  Honestly, this will probably turn into a vent… so I apologize in advance.  But the exercise of blogging will hopefully help me gather my thoughts before sending a reactive response to the text message I just received.  Let’s wind the clock back a bit.  I didn’t hear from Mr. Maybe today to confirm plans.  When it got to 2:30 ish, my daughter suggested I send a text to see if we were still on for tonight.  I received a response back a bit later stating ‘yes’ but it would probably have  to be ‘low key’ because he had a long day.  Okay… that didn’t bode very well, but I responded positively and said ‘no problem’.  Now it’s 6ish…and I get another text that he’s not feeling well (same excuse as last cancellation).  He finished it off saying he REALLY needed to make it up to me.  Now granted (I feel like this is deja vu),  I suppose it’s possible he could be sick again, but based on past experience with this guy, I’m thinking that’s not the case.  There are just too many red flags here for me… lack of phone calls (texting is okay… but all the time?), cancellations, dating past history (as told by him… kinda sounds like a serial dater to me).  I may be lonely, but I am not desperate.  I deserve better… anyone deserves better.  The thing I don’t get is why not just say you’re not interested… why create these tapestries of lies?  It just seems like so much effort for nothing.

It makes me wonder if women (and men) truly put up with this garbage?  Why else would men (and women) think they can get away with such crap?  Frankly, I don’t know what to say back.  Get well soon?  I wish you the best in your search… You’re going to need it?  Fuck you?  So… I think for now, I just won’t respond… period.  If he’s being honest, he’ll make the effort to contact me again… and if he’s not, then it’s an easy way to go our separate ways.  I just hope some other nice gal isn’t pulled into this web of stupidity.

It got me thinking though… Why don’t dating sites have reviews… 1 to 5 stars with a place for comments?  Similar to the rating sysem on Amazon.

* Worst date I’ve every been on.  He chewed with his mouth open, talked incessantly about himself and oggled my boobs all night.

1/2 * Great date… funny, charming and seemed totally smitten.  He promised to call.  I waited for a call that never came.

Yea… I guess that wouldn’t work very well… when people’s feelings get involved their perspective often becomes somewhat skewed.

In any case… silence is golden.  I will not respond.  I will not respond.  I will not respond….

I think we’re about to hit a lull in the dating pool… as there are no more interesting gentlemen in the pipe… except one.  This gentleman contacted me via eHarmony… through, what must be, a new feature… What if…  Evidently users get profiles they can opt to pass by or directly message.  We’ve been emailing for a few days getting to know one another… but I’m not sure the momentum is there to push him to ask for my phone number… time will tell.

In the mean time… I will turn my phone off for the evening and start reading Gone Girl…

Just What the Doctor Ordered… Girls Night Out!

26 Jul

Okay if you’re expecting to hear about a wild night out with the girls… think again 🙂  I did get together with the girls from work, but it was for the first installment of our monthly book club.  Our first book was “The Great Gatsby”.  I have to be honest… I didn’t like it when I first read it… YIKES… 30 years ago and really didn’t like it much more now.  I just couldn’t connect with any of the characters.  We did discuss the book (a little) then indulged in a pitcher of sangria and some good Italian food… Yum!  Mind you the age range of our group was 24-64… many laughs were shared (all my friends are married or in serious relationships so they love hearing stories about my dating escapades).  Our next book is called Gone Girl… I just downloaded it to my Kindle and can’t wait to get started.  I’ve heard (and read) some excellent reviews.

Books aside, it felt good to be with a group of  ladies that support and love each other.  They remind me I’m not alone out there.  Yes.. after this week’s dating frustrations (no call from Mr. Friday night)… cancelled date by Mr. Maybe… It was good to leave it all behind and just go have fun!  It was fun to dress up too!  My new dress from Old Navy ($20 with a coupon!) arrived on the doorstep this afternoon so I opted to wear it.  Yowsa on the cleavage… but it was very flattering.  LOL I had at least 3 people tell me I lost ‘tons of weight’… I have lost a bit (just don’t feel like eating in the summer) but no where near ‘tons’.  It’s definitely the flattering cut of the dress… Hooray for optical illusions 😉  Sorry, but the mannequin does not do this dress justice.  Insert my DDD girls and we’re talking… VaVaVoom! 😉  I wore the dress with my black wedge sandals and large silver hoops.  I did toss on a black shrug as the restaurant was chilly and I don’t like my chubby arms exposed 🙂  Cute outfit!  One of these days I’ll get ambitious and post pictures of me actually in my outfits.

So an update about Mr. Maybe.  I get a text bright and early this morning…(in the summer…10am seems ridiculously early to me :)):

Mr. Maybe:  What are you doing?

Me: Sleeping

Mr. Maybe: I had a dream about you last night.  It was so vivid, I’ve never had a dream like that before.

Me: (rolls eyes) I guess you can’t get me out of your mind, eh?

Mr. Maybe: No I can’t. We need to go out again, tomorrow maybe?

Me: (Laughing to myself… Really? Maybe? Now I just want to pursue this for the entertainment value… and maybe more kisses… damn, I hate to admit this, he’s one of the better kissers I ever did kiss 🙂  So my final text was: Make it happen.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings… I can hardly wait.

Tune in to Your Intuition…

25 Jul

So here I am blogging instead of out on my date.  Yep… 3pm I got the… “I’m not feeling well” text message cancelling tonight’s date.  I can’t say I was surprised.  On some level, I was expecting that text.  While it’s totally possible he did get sick… I suspect something better came up… at least that’s what my intuition was telling me.  When I choose to listen, my intuition has an uncanny ability to nail the truth.  The problem is, sometimes I get confused between intuition and insecurity.  Intuition is so subtle and quiet that it can be hard to hear over the insecurity that likes to scream loudly in my face.

In the end, I put my doubts aside and sent him get well wishes.  He offered up a “Maybe Thursday?” text, to which I replied… “That could work, let me know”.  His response, “It’s a deal”… LOL I’m clueless what that means.  And this, folks, is why I don’t like carrying on conversations via text.  What I do know, is there’s a pattern forming with this guy.  He doesn’t make plans… he makes tentative plans… everything is laced with ‘maybes‘ and ‘ifs‘… Is it asking too much to want something more definite?  Am I being unreasonable to want something like, “I want to see you… are you available Thursday?” -or- “If you’re free, let’s go out Thursday” -or even- “You’re a nice person but I just don’t see us happening”…  Say what you mean dammit!