Tag Archives: relationships

Just When I Thought…

11 Aug

I had successfully dealt with my real life baggage… there’s a new strain of baggage in town… virtual baggage.  Virtual baggage is a by-product of the online dating world.  It’s the issues one develops at the hands of less than savory online daters.  You need really thick skin (think armor) and a strong constitution to deal with the rejection, rudeness and emotional manipulation that online ‘gentleman’ dish out daily.  Of course, I’d be the first to tell you that online dating should be ‘fun’… look at it as an adventure… these men can’t hurt you because they really don’t know you… blah blah blah.  The truth is, the rational side of me knows all that, but the less than rational side falls victim to ‘it’ every time.

I think I’ve fallen victim to virtual baggage. Lately,  I find myself expecting the worst out of the gentleman I communicate with.  The new guys are paying the price for the bad behaviored counterparts that came before them.  Totally unfair… totally out of character for me.  I am usually the one that can find a silver lining in any dark cloud.  I always think the best of everyone… even when they fail misearably, I try to understand the ‘why?’.  Not so much anymore… at least where online dating is concerned.  I’m becoming… gasp… jaded, and I don’t like it… at all.

I have come to equate online dating with buying a new pair of shoes.  You’re attracted to the sexiness of the shoe.  You ask the sales associate for your size and bite your lip and pace around the store hoping that there is a pair available in your size.  When you see the box in his hand, you can’t help but break out into a smile.  You’ve made it successfully to the next step.

Your fingers almost shake as you peel back the top of the box.  You’re breathless as you peek at your beloved shoes through the tissue paper.  You slide them on your feet… oh the bliss… they look fabulous!  Your feet look two sizes smaller and the heel height makes you stand straighter… your boobs bigger and your ass… perfection.  You decide the shoes are magical and will change your life.  So you stand up… You’re confident.  No way in hell your magical shoes will let you down.  You take those first tentative steps, wobble a little and then you’re suddenly striding across the floor.  It’s too good to be true!  You quickly take them off and pack them in their tissue paper home and march up to the cashier and state boldly, “I’ll take these”.

You bring your magic shoes home and give them prime real estate in your closet.  You can’t wait to have the opportunity to wear them.  In fact, you create an opportunity to wear them.  You get all dolled up, nervous for your first date with your magical shoes.  You’re convinced you’ve found your sole mate 😉 and this is true love.  And then… reality sets in… Your toes start feeling a little cramped.  Your calf muscles start protesting.  The burning starts and you’re starting to think these shoes aren’t quite as magical as you first thought.  By the time you get home, your feet are on fire and you can’t wait to pull the damn things off.  You literally throw them back in their box and toss them on a shelf that you’ll never reach without a step ladder.  Every time you enter your closet, you’ll feel the sting of embarrassment as you remember how you overpaid, fell in love a little too quickly and walked far too long in pain… all this for the opportunity to be burned.  Yep… online dating is a lot like the search for the perfect shoes.

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Bye… Bye… Mr. Maybe…

3 Aug

A few years ago, I went to Great Adventure with my daughter, and my boyfriend at the time.  We stood for a half hour to go on El Toro… a wickedly scary wooden roller coaster.  I remember my heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty… the adrenaline rush as the attendant locked me in (good lord… it was a tight fit for a full figured gal).  As the roller coaster car made it’s climb up… up… up… my stomach began to knot and I wanted to jump off, as if that was better than swooping down the hill.  As we crested the top… my breath caught… life seemed to be suspended for just a moment… no sound… and then… the screaming started.  Eyes closed, clutching my daughter’s arm and screaming, “Never again!  Never again!”.   I was off balance when I got off that ride… and not sure I would ever get back on.  My dating life pretty much runs the same way… ups and downs… spinning in circles only to end up exactly where I started.

Case in point–Mr. Maybe… we’ve been going in circles for weeks now and yet have not made it out on a second date.  That book/movie keeps coming to mind… ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’… let’s face it, if he really was into me, I’d be getting more than texts with empty promises of  ‘let’s go out’.  I’m done with this roller coaster.  So, since we don’t talk on the phone, tonight I texted my good wishes and good bye.  I feel a little disappointed, but I know it wasn’t going to go anywhere.  So goodbye Mr. Maybe… I wish you all the best in your quest for ‘love’.

Enter Mr.Charming. Let me just say it.  I like Mr. Charming.  Mr. Charming writes beautiful emails, texts and calls me on the phone.  While I’m not a big phone person myself, I really look forward to him calling.  We have plans to go out tomorrow night.  While I’m excited about meeting him in person, I am also scared.  I’d hate to lose the friendship we’ve only just begun.  It’s really not often that you find someone that has the same interests, same taste in music, same values, makes you laugh… makes you think… and makes you blush.  What if the ‘magic’ just isn’t there in person? Arggg… I feel like I’m waiting in line for another roller coaster ride.  Tomorrow I’ll be slowly climbing the mountain and at 7pm tomorrow evening… I’ll be roaring down the hill into the unknown…

Ladybugs… Lots and Lots of Ladybugs…

29 Jul

The day my ex walked out, marked a very dark period in my life.  In spite of knowing there was something very wrong in our marriage, I chose to live in denial and even fooled myself into being shocked when he broke the news.  I told him to get out that night and as the door was closing behind him, I was reaching for the phone… my lifeline to my sister.  I was sobbing so hard, you know, the kind that prevents you from catching your breath.  It took her a while to piece together what I was saying, but when she did… she started screaming,  ‘You’re free!  You’re free!’.  I remember her telling me this was the best thing that could’ve happened to me.  All I can remember thinking was how I was going to raise a young daughter on my own, pay a mortgage with no job and that I was going to die alone.

Mere days later, a package arrived in the mail.  I tore it open to find a dvd.  It was the movie, ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’ (okay no eye rolling).  I put the dvd aside because I was too busy wallowing in the grief of losing my best friend.  I walked around many months like that… totally numb, wondering how I got from one place to another.  I honestly think the only thing that kept me going was the need to take care of my daughter.  My sister would call to check up on me frequently and she always asked, ‘What did you think of the movie?’  I’d look at the dvd sitting on the counter (because who had the energy to clean or put anything away… let’s face it folks, I was on the precipice of becoming a full blown hoarder).  I’d mumble, ‘not yet, but it’s on my list’.

Many months later, late one Friday night, after one too many glasses of wine, I opened that dvd and sat down to watch it.  I know this is going to sound utterly ridiculous, but that movie changed my life.  113 minutes in Tuscany did what hours of therapy couldn’t do… It gave me back hope.  The movie is about a writer who is in a seemingly happy marriage and finds out her husband is cheating on her.  She ends up getting divorced and goes into a depression which her friends try to get her out of by sending her on a trip to Tuscany.  When she gets there, she realizes there is nothing left back at home and decides to stay.  I won’t give too much away, but honestly, this movie should be required viewing for the newly separated, divorced or victim of a break-up.

One of my favorite lines in the movie (the book was excellent too!)  comes from Katherine, who is a friend of the main character, Frances:

“When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. I’d get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find the ladybugs walking all over me.”

What does it mean?  Well in my mind it was telling me I had to just let go and let hope and faith take over.  The movie reminded me that my life wasn’t over, it was just the beginning… Sometimes the best comes later in life.  From that moment on, ladybugs became my beacon of hope.  Hell, if I ever get brave enough to get a tattoo… there’s no doubt it’s going to be a ladybug 🙂  Now… to sit back and wait for the ladybugs to find me (psst… I’m giving them a headstart by renewing my online dating membership :))